What does it feel like to feel powerless?

Fear clutches the contents of days

Empty, hollow, shells of moments

held together by seconds of holding breath

waiting for a sign, is this okay?


What does it feel like to own your own life?

Fear loses it's grip

a damn cracks, spilling the contents of stopped passion

moments of real pain and

the movement of breath

which finally release the power to create.

Free!!!!!!!!!!!!!

non judgement, non resistance, non attatchment

Sam
'We want love to be all powerful all the time-we do not offer it the chance to learn, to stumble, to recognize itself, to grow into itself, to understand and become itself."

Eckhart Tolle
"The underlying emotion that governs all the activity of the ego is fear. Fear of being nobody, the fear of nonexistence, the fear of death....Once you realize and accept that all structures are unstable, even the seemingly solid material ones, peace arises within you. This is because the recognition of impermanence of all forms awakens you to the dimension of the formless within yourself, that which is beyond death. Jesus called it eternal life.

Daniel 12:2
And many of them that sleep in the dust of the earth shall awake, some to everlasting life......

Eve(Zelophehad's Daughters)
It is this God who never ceases to call me, not with a pity that would release me, but with the compassion that ever demands of me a deeper, more human, more divine life....."

These are things on my mind today. Struggling to reach past the constricting ego which wants to define self and experience in such narrow terms.

We have broken snow globes all over the house. I keep asking myself why we have so many globes of illusion constanly flowing through our lives. They look so lovely, delicately displayed visions of capturing everything good in life and keeping it all safe inside the shinning glass. Problem is it isn't what it seems. One wrong motion and the framer of something beautiful becomes hundreds of sharp pieces capable of causing pain, while the delicate scene is left naked in the real world of unprotected limitlessness.




shake it again and the magic stays inside
the glass bubble, recreating the magic. Over and over-
so safe and predictable.

Wait - Alexi Murdoch

This is my current favorite Alexi song. So much of what he sings describes so well stages in my spiritual jouney. It helps to know your not alone in your sufferings and yearnings.

Shattered realities

Little splinters of what I once thought the world was continue to swirl around and around, when they cross my path I get stabhed. I feel the cold blood of a world lost and broken, trickling over my head and through my eyes. The wound is fresh again and I can't see through the film of red, pain is all there is. I yearn for a reality that doesn't define everything, that doesn't bind me small in packages of perception. Where are the magic words to dissolve the lines and make everything whole? Maybe some of the splinters will become a part of something much bigger. Something organic and alive instead of rigid and strong.

passion

"This world is a cemetary, it is filled with corpses. For this reason, the Lord set the world on fire so that the dead might awaken and spirits might be set free. And now the fire burns, and we tend it so that it might burn brightly, and we dance within the fire, for we are on fire with the spirit of Yahweh. If you seek the annointed, you seek the fire, and when you are utterly burnt away you will rejoice in the True Light." The Gospel of Mary--oral tradition

energy of transformation

Pain is energy. The energy has to go somewhere. It can either eat us up and and become deeper and deeper levels of bitterness, or it can be transformed to open up the world of beauty and light. The difference is a choice and depends on awareness of what we are choosing. The greatest example for me of the energy of pain being used to transform souls is the atonement. Christ took on all of our pain and through his awareness turned that pain into mankinds salvation. The atonement can only transform us, however, as we become aware of that power and accept it in our hearts and our minds. The energy we infuse into the process is the effort we exert to be aware and overcome the powerful constructs of the physical world which work against acceptance. I think the atonement is multidimentional in that it not only bridges the gaps created through sin and ignorance, but the gaps created through our experience of pain. Pain seperates us from oneness with God, in that our instinctual reaction to pain is to try to eliminate it in a way that drives us away from God, or truth and light. We seek escape, retribution, or distraction, rather than understanding that pain could be our vehicle, our transport to what will really free us, truth and love. The atonement is really about love, but not passive love. Not the kind of love we sit back and take, but the kind that overcomes the powerful pull of the ego, a feeling of sepateness, being better or worse than other people. The kind of love that transforms us into a different kind of being. The atonement is the path Christ showed us, not a one time thing he did for us. We must be aware and choose to follow that path when our experience brings us pain to be transformed.

voice

Finding my voice

I recently read Grace Notes, by Heidi Heart a singer and writer. One of the things she wrote which made a strong impression on me is an account she gave of something her voice teacher said to her and her reaction to what he said. "'Sing to express, not to impress.' And I'd spent most of my life fretting about my jaw and tongue and soft palate, about the "right way" to make sound, and what people would think of me when I opened my mouth. I hadn't even considered what I could say to them."

I can't judge anyone else, I only know what my experience is and I feel like my voice has been stifled. By whom. By myself of course. We are the only ones who can choose not to use our voices to convey our unique message to the world. I have two pronounced obstacles to singing the song of myself. First is the tendancy to see songs of self as engaging in competition, who has the best, or the most correct thing to say. The second obstacle is related to the first and is the reason I don't like competition. I think I have not believed the unique thing I have to say is of value. But I have come to understand on a deep level that we all have something important and beautiful to say to each other and to the world. One of my favorite bloggers, Sophia, says, "It is our wounds that bring us to the darkness of the shadowlands, the darkness of the soul, it is our soul encounters that lead us to our uniqueness.."

Victor Hugo wrote in Les Miserables, 'To write a poem of the human conscience, were it only a single man, were it only of the most infamous of men, would be to swallow up all epics in a superior and final epic." Victor Hugo

What is it that I have to say? Does it come from my soul when I sing? Does it come from my words, actions, interactions or all of the above? What keeps me from finding a way to connect? Fear, doubt, insecurity, pain, distraction, indifference?

Part of finding my voice is figuring out in what manner to coax it out. I am always searching for others who put into words what I experience, feel and think. I want to capture the essense of what is evolving inside the caverns of my soul. I have often wondered why this is so important to me. Why do I feel such a need to express? I think it springs from a desire to connect to others on a soul level. So much of our interaction with other souls is superficial, not even coming close to touching the essense. That is how I feel about my writing, not coming close to the heart of what I yearn to express. But I have to start somewhere and even though I fear rejection I am going to follow my heart and see where it takes me.

truth and happiness

If you had to choose truth or happiness which would you choose? Granted they do not exist in isolation, sometimes they are partners one supporting the other, but other times truth kicks happiness out, or happiness pushes truth away. In those cases on which side of the line do we emerge? Sometime we don't ask the questions, because we don't want to know the truth, and that keeps us happy as reflected in the common saying, 'ignorance is bliss'. Thoreau says, "Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth..."

Thoreau does not say that he doesn't want love, money or fame, only that he would choose truth first. It is human nature to want to feel good. We are constanly seeking the path that will lead to a better life, less pain, more fulfillment. Question is, at what cost? Joanna Brooks writes a weekly column, 'Ask Mormon girl" in which she figures that laying claim to happiness is so important that; "Some shut down vast regions of their inner lives so as to not risk harboring a feeling that doesn't measure up." Certainly part of what gets shut down are truths that hurt. Maybe we all do this to some extent, not because we can't stand to be unhappy, but because we are trying to survive.

Does it ultimately serve ours and the world's greater good to choose happiness over truth? Maybe it is our pattern of not looking at the truths about ourselves, our loved ones and the world around us that is putting us in a position to be 'trying to survive'. Maybe our compromises weaken our strength and lead to more compromises. So what is truth and who determines it anyway? We can only answer that for ourselves. Alexi Murdock sings that, "It's time to believe in what you know."

Life is like a river ever moving, continually providing experience to change in subtle or sometimes dramatic ways the the stones we put together to construct our world. The water flows differently for all of us. It washes our stones in different ways.
Hello all! I have been thinking for some time about starting a blog in which we as family and friends can discuss life and our evolving perceptions of this amazing journey we are on as stones ever changing in the river of experience. I feel a dialogue in written form can give new dimension to our understanding of each other . We may not always agree, but maybe letting that be a good thing, allowing us to learn from each other will be a healing part of this blog.

I was thinking anyone could post a topic, mostly spiritual or philisophical, and we could talk about it. Any suggestions? Thoughts? Criticisms?

Love,

Aleta

(almost two months later)

Thanks for finding my blog, Vanessa, and giving me the courage to finally stop protecting myself and put it out there.